i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
