Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
