life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
