I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
