you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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