i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You ruined the universe
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
