I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
