is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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