Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
