There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
