I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
