What a fucking waste of an outfit
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
