Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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