Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
