Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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