For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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