So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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