He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
