I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
