i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
