Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
