I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
