M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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