if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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