What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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