I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
