I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
