I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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