The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
