dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
