I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
