Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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