Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
