my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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