you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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