I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize