Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
