tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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