he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
