K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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