if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize