dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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