thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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