There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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