Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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