He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
