Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
