Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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