Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
