he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
