Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
