Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
