Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
