he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
