She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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