I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
