he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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