So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
