Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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