Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
