I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
